maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
