Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
