Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
