i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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