sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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