There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
