wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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