What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
