Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
