I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
