aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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