sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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