Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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