I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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