No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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