Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
