fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
