How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
