I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
