the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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