i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
