I intend to get homeless drunk
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
