The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
