Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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