Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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