somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
