1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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