She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
