she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
