mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
