I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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