Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
