Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
