I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
