i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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