i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wanna passion pit in your ass
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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