I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
