it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
