Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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