Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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