I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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