I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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