We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
