I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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