We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
