I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
