i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
