I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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