Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
do herpes really smell.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
