Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
