Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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