So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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