I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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