I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
